-------------------------------------------------------------- ETS Survival News Equipped To Survive Issue 1, Volume 10 March 32, 2012 -------------------------------------------------------------- ************************************************************** ETS Survival News is an irregularly published compendium of news related to survival, survival gear and search and rescue. Published with support from the Equipped To Survive Foundation. Please visit us at: http://www.equipped.org ************************************************************** ETS, RITTER & WAL-MART TEAM UP WITH ELECTION YEAR SURVIVAL KIT Recognizing that Americans of every political strip will be increasingly assaulted over the next 7 months until the 2012 election, WAL-MART has teamed up with Equipped to Survive and Doug Ritter to develop the cutting-edge "Personal Survival Kit - Election Year," or "PSKEY." The PSK-EY will be available exclusively from WAL-MART starting in mid-May. It is expected to net Equipped to Survive Foundation north of one million dollars by time the election is over. The PSKEY is designed to help American citizens survive the incessant drumbeat that assaults our senses each and every election season – the calls, the commercials, the candidates coming into our local restaurants for a bite to eat. "It can be overwhelming," noted Equipped to Survive Chairman and survival authority Doug Ritter. "We're all about survival, and that includes survival in an adverse environment like this which can be more unforgiving than any backwoods. "We wanted something affordable that everyone could use," noted Ritter, "something so small and lightweight a person could carry every day and deploy at the first sign of a robo-call and at a cost that every voting citizen can afford ." By teaming up with WAL-MART, we can reach the largest population of voters who deserve some shelter from this assault and take advantage of WAL-MART's extraordinary buying power and ability to beat down vendors on price. "The more affordable these are, the more we sell and the more money we raise for Equipped To Survive to use to support its other survival initiatives," said Ritter, "Survival sometimes is about the money." The result of months of development is the vacuum-sealed ultra-thin PSKEY, designed to fit in the cash slot of a person's wallet. "It's not like there's any cash in there these days," said Ritter. The base kit contains a number of essentials for surviving until November: Three sets of disposable Howard Leight MAX pre-shaped foam earplugs, rated number one by Ritter, for ignoring robo-calls and campaign commercials, or if one should be caught near an Occupy or Tea Party rally, or some candidate's stump speech. One reusable black sleep mask for the same reason. Two sets of Nitrile surgical gloves in case a candidate wants to shake your hand. Two Purell disinfectant wipes in case a candidate grabs you hand before you can get the gloves on or in case the candidate wants to do more than just shake hands. (If a candidate wants to do MUCH more than shake your hand, see the "Edwards Package" isted below.) A surgical needle and sutures to close up the would after you have chewed off your own leg from too many negative attack ads. They don't call them "attack ads" for nothing. A laminated card that gives necessary emergency numbers to lodge complaints (Federal Election Commission, Democratic National Committee, Republican National Committee, Ron Paul Dungeonmasters National Committee), and a dictionary of most- used political stump-speech catch phrases with what they actually mean. A flat Fresnel lens magnifier because of the very, very small type needed to fit all those worn-out phrases on card. The cost of the base PSKEY is $20.12. The PSKEY is expandable, with a number of option packages to enhance the survival experience.These will be offered at additional cost of $20 each and they include: The Paul Package: Three square feet of tinfoil and hat making instructions. Note that the instructions on how to make a Money Bomb, which were initially included in this Package, have been withdrawn at the request of The Department of Homeland Security. The Edwards Package: Two condoms and the numbers for a Hollywood lawyer, a publicist, a nanny, and a ghost writer. The Santorum Package: An ugly sweater vest, milk and cookies. Gingrich package: Same as Edwards Package, but add a bottle of fine whine. The Romney Package: A small Etch-a-Sketch for signaling and communication. The Obama Package: You don't get to see what's in the Package until you buy it. ______________________________________ MUTINY ON THE DUAL SURVIVAL BOUNTY Although the Discovery Channel has repeatedly denied it, rumors persist that the director of the hit TV series Dual Survival has been suspended from directing for a year, and one of his survival coordination producers has been suspended indefinitely, after a bounty scheme was uncovered involving the show's two stars, Cody Lundin and Dave Canterbury. According to unnamed inside sources, members of the production crew on site were paid a bounty for each scenario they could set up which could "take out" one or both of the shows two stars. While neither Canterbury or Lundin have actually been seriously injured or killed on the show, several situations they were placed in were extremely dangerous, and often unrelated to the survival scenario they were working on. On one episode the crew had Lundin wrestle a hungry mountain lion for a half-eaten fish carcass. The episode, however, was being filmed on a Pacific atoll south of Bora Bora. On another episode, the crew had a polar bear chase Dave Canterbury across the African savannah. "It was all about adding excitement to the show," said the source, "It was all about ratings." Neither Canterbury or Lundin have been implicated in the scandal. The only public comment about these rumors is this cryptic press release from Discovery Channel: "We stand behind our shows, and our production crews. We know they are not Saints." ______________________________________ MAN VS. FOOD GROUPS A spate of survival events have made the news this year – from the man who survived a week in his car on nothing but a bag of cocktail peanuts and some pine bark tea, to the family who got lost on a day hike and had to eat fried mice until they were found 10 days later. This has resulted in significantly increased awareness about "living off the land" in an emergency. It has also attracted the attention of the U.S. Department of Agriculture. The USDA is increasingly concerned that survivors not only eat during their ordeal, but maintain a good and balanced diet while doing it. To raise awareness of a proper backcountry diet, this July the USDA will be issuing a series of nutrition and calorie cards for thousands of wild plants. These will be tailored for each region of the Unites States, and six foreign countries, to remind survivors about making wise decisions when foraging and scavenging for their very lives. "There's no point in living if you can't live a healthy, balanced life", said USDA nutritionist Tiffany "Moonflower" Auburndale, project manager for the $3.6 billion program which is being financed by left over not-quite-shovel-ready stimulus funds. Hilkiah Hawks, Equipped to Survive staff writer and author of the upcoming book Roadkill: Bullet or Bumper, Makes No Difference (ETS Press, Dec. 2012), sat down with "Moonflower" to discuss the USDA's program: ETS: Thank you for talking with us, Ms. Auburndale. MOONFLOWER: Please, call me "Moonflower". ETS: Um, OK. Sure… Moonflower. I understand the USDA has a new program to help people in survival situations to eat better during their ordeal. Can you tell me about that? MOONFLOWER: I sure can. (long pause) ETS: You can? Good. Tell us more about the program. Like the flash cards. What information is on them that will help a survivor? MOONFLOWER: Oh there's plenty. They're chock full of important things. ETS: Like? MOONFLOWER: Well, we list each plant, y'know, and we tell what the recommended daily serving should be, how many calories there are in a recommended serving, how much salt, how many grams of fat. Stuff like that. ETS: And you are doing this for all the edible plants in North America? MOONFLOWER: Yes. ETS: Wow. That's quite a challenge. It could really help those stranded when they are scavenging to find food. I assume you are going to put other valuable information on the cards. MOONFLOWER: Like what? ETS: Like pictures of the plants for identification, best parts to eat, how to prepare; things like that. MOONFLOWER: Why would we do that? ETS: So a survivor can find the plants more easily? MOONFLOWER: That would be redundant. Do you see a picture of the ramen noodles in the pack next to the nutritional information on the package? ETS: Well no, but… MOONFLOWER: Duh… Have you ever shopped at a Whole Foods...? ETS: Not often. Let's move on. I see there are no animals among the cards. Why is that? MOONFLOWER: Meat is murder. ETS: But in a survival situation you really can't be too picky. Sometimes you have to kill to eat. MOONFLOWER: No, you don't. Meat is murder. ETS: So if a person has the choice of starving to death or eating a chipmunk, you'd recommend they starve? MOONFLOWER: Yes. Any rational person would. ETS: I see. Ms. Moonflower, have you actually been in the backwoods? MOONFLOWER: I've flown over it lots of times. Real remote places. In a week I'm flying to South America to do research, and I'll be flying over the Andes. That's very remote. ETS: It is. I hope a Uruguayan football club accompanies you over the Andes, Ms. Moonflower. Thank you for your time. _______________________________________ ETS Survival News is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission. Permission is granted to share this newsletter in its entirety with friends and associates via email or it can be found on the Web at . ETS Survival News is published irregularly when we damn well feel like it, most often on March 32nd. We welcome submittal of news items, but reserve the right to disregard most anything we don't feel like publishing. Letters to the editor are generally ignored unless they are complimentary. Contributing to this issue were Clifford Grout and Doug Ritter. Edited by Doug Ritter. Now you know who to blame. We hope you have enjoyed this attempt at some April Fools humor. If we have inadvertently offended anyone, well, you really need to get a life. "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain If you enjoyed this newsletter, prior issues of ETS Survival News can be found at . _______________________________________ Copyright (c) 2012 Equipped To Survive Foundation All rights reserved - www.equipped.org